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FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS : 'To Woo a Lady', live UK tour, May 2010.

In the summer of 1353
as I sat beneath the willow tree
I decided on that day to woo a lady.

I went to the florist and I said to she,
"I need a flower for today I'll be
a-woo-woo-woo-woo-wooing a lady.

I'll hold this flower beneath her nose,
it should smell as sweet as a rose."
"For that," she said, "I'd recommend a rose.
For a rosy kind of scent I'd probably recommend a rose."
I said, "That sounds absolutely ideal for my needs I'll have one of those."

I went to the tailor for to buy
some clothing of the latest style
which at the time were tights and pointy boots.
Some tight greenish tights and those Peter Pan-y kind of boots.

I said to the hairdresser, "Cut my hair!"
He said, "I'll cut it like the page-boys wear.
A really popular look with page-boys now,
basically a straight line across the brow.
I'll get a ruler and some scissors and I'll do it for you right now."

I needed a horse so I went to the stables,
said, "Stableman, would I be able
to hire a horse from which to woo a lady?"

He said, "There are three things that I must see:
one florin and two forms of I.D."
I said, "I don't have any I.D. on me,
who even carries I.D. in 1353?!"
"I maketh not the rules," quoth he.

I had an artist do a lithograph of me
and say this is me in 1353.
To prove that I was legitimate
I had my mother write up a birth certificate.
This was not easy as she's illiterate
but I really really needed it
so I could hire this damn horse so I could woo a lady.
I got a really massive horse so I'd impress this lady.
And for a penny more a day he did upgrade me.

The hills of a lady I did view
and I knew exactly what to do:
the time had come for me to woo this lady.
I said, "Woo woo woo woo wooo wooo woo,
woo woo woo woo woo woo woo, etc.
woo woo lady yeah I'm wooing you."

The lady then said unto me,
"Sir, you can't woo me so easily:
it takes more than just going 'woo' to woo a lady."

"But I've a rose-scented rose they call a rose
and I hold this rose beneath your nose,
I have a massive horse and the finest clothes,
all these things I do to woo a lady."

She said, "The horse is huge and the tights are fun
but the hair is a little 1351,
in fact it makes you look a bit like a lady.
I swore as you approached that you were a lady.
And that gigantic horse just emphasises that you look like a lady."

I said, "Yes, yes, I heard you the first time."

She said, "I'm to be married to the king,
we're to be wed this coming spring.
If you want my hand you have to challenge him
to the thing that they do with the pointy things
and the thing on the horses where they point each other
with those pointy things."

I said, "Is that the time? I must be on my way,
I'm late for a mediaeval play
so if it matters not to you, I'll away.
I'll just say that I wooed you anyway.
I'll tell all my frieds that I wooed a lady.
There's a wager in the village that says I'll never woo a lady."

And I went saying woo woo woo woo woo,
woo woo lady I have just wooed you,
woo woo woo this is how I woo a lady.