1967-68 | 1969 | 1970 | 1971 | 1972 | 1973 | 1974 | 1975 | 1976 | 1977 | 1978 | 1979 | 1980-81 | 1982-84 | 1987-89 | 1990-94 | 1995-98 | 1999-2001 | Home
NATIONAL LAMPOON
October 1973
And it came to pass that into the world came a man, Jesus Ian.
And lo, the Heavens parted and a voice from the third story shrieked, "This is my Son, Who went to London. Think He ever calls me? Think I ever see Him? With Him I am not well pleased!"
And Jesus said, "Verily, I will dress Myself in sackcloth, grow My hair long, don codpiece and tights and boogie on into the night."
And the people from all around gathered to see Him, sometimes waiting up to six hours for tickets, stepping on each other, jamming the aisles and crowding 18,000 at a time into the forums of public herding, begging for a look at Him, straining for a look at Him, sighing and fainting at the sight of Him, and waxing delirious at a touch from Him.
And Jesus said, "Suffer the little children to come unto Me, and forbid them not their downers and alcohol, for without such they can neither tolerate nor appreciate Me."
And Jesus bent down and touched one little 12 year old girl, drunken and wallowing in her vomit, and He stroked her downy, private part, and, lo, she was up and screaming, begging for more and reaching for His codpiece and howling grievously when denied it.
And Jesus spoke unto them a lesson, saying, "As this little girl begs upon her knees for only 15 minutes with Me, so should you beg your Father which is in Tower Records, Discount Records, Macy's and all the other rooms of Heaven, to sell unto you a copy of My new record A Passion Play. In so doing you will become rich with enigma and redundant cacophony, and I will become rich with money."
And they went out and did as He commanded them, and He lived in splendor all His days, artfully avoiding any serious passion in His own life.